Meeting the DON

The relentless question to define thy status. I’ve been wondering about the question people ask why people chooses to be a counselor. Although I am aware that the question usually flourishes to feed the ego being tapped at the moment one is offered a free counseling service from a complete stranger, somewhere between the question and the answer comes the individual search for the right expression to explain. Am I counseling to heal myself or am I counseling to satisfy my passion to help other people’s pain? It seems that everywhere I go, I always end up seeing a soul wanting to be heard and wanting to hear what I have to say about his/her life. As all people I’ve shed light on situations goes home satisfied with my explanation, I feel a sense of emptiness and exhaustion. Emptiness for no one is there to enlighten me as I do with others and exhaustion for rethinking endlessly what I may have missed saying to help ease their pain. I am at a stage of asking myself all over again what stage I am in. I recently came out of a 10-year relationship that marriage never existed. Not in the process of mourning over what was lost, I met a man I thought would fill the emptiness in me. How did I get to like this guy, I still ask the same question. Two months ago, in the middle of crying over my ex, I was chatting on the internet chatroom I usually look for scattered insanities; this highly forgettable name insisted I am not a woman. Thrilled that I’ve achieved my objective pretending to be a man, I gave him my phone number. He called and we talked for hours with the similar ending of all people I meet….counselling. It turned out he wasn’t able to get over his ex-girlfriend who married his officemate. The night we met, he looked so anxious…Probably scared of meeting a stranger or probably stressed from the work he never thought he’d land on. We were drinking and when my close friend Olive went up my room, he took advances on kissing and touching me. With the loud sound of his heart pounding while I was ready to give in, I stopped him. I wouldn’t enjoy sex and would not be aroused with hearing that heart pounding I thought. We sat and talked with both of us professing how we were both attracted at each other. Was it something he or I said that it ended up with both of us saying we’d rather be friends because we both felt it was so sudden and it was our first time meeting each other. I was sure then it was a mixture of all things that contributed to that excitement that it only took a day he called me again convincing me how it is possible to make love with him and still preserve the friendship I offered. We argued as usual and took a pause but his consistent visit to the house led us to physical intimacy. Being a mind game guy, he was worried that I felt violated since he started and insisted that we consummated. I decided to give in without any reason. I was probably so vulnerable and lonely mourning over my ex who left and missing the sex life I lost. And we never brought it up; we spent time together at least twice a week for a month until I realized I am falling for him. I would always mention my ex and how I miss everything about that boyfriend who left. It was my way of hiding what I feel for him, he never noticed. I was scared that he would notice so I always try to think about my ex. And we became close friends. He would visit to hang out and drink with us. One long week with no text, no phone call and no private message from him got me crazy to the point that all people around me insisted that I tell him what I feel. Having no guts to tell him personally, I’ve decided to write him a letter to end my misery. I don’t need a guy like him in my life. His intellect best satisfies my need to be understood with the kind of unconventional personality I have. His soft heart inside his boastful attitude and disgusting habits coupled with his sensitivity and being considerate probably qualified him to that personality I would be most interested. His constant leaving-me-hanging attitude, standing up appointments and ego-tripping delaying-replies-to-my-text attitude led me to be firm on my decision to let him go and say goodbye to friendship. The fear that I might regret not letting him know I like him, I asked olive to hand in the letter. He avoided olive with the fear that he will be knocked out for constantly teasing that she is a lesbian and she is very much in love with me. Olive can’t stand the misery as well and decided to call Don to read the letter to him. As expected, he boastingly reacted that he anticipated I would fall in love with him and that he felt so bad that every time we were together, I would mention my ex. He was firm saying he was pissed at hearing my mourning over my past love. But what he overlooked was the strategy to hide my feelings by mentioning the one that got away. I was back at the high school days of having jitters being with him that I would rather mention about the past love so as not to be caught at a loss of words. He can’t read my mind the way he can’t reach my thoughts. Overpowered with my strong personality and outsmarted from the beginning, he tries to look for reasons to consult me….still at present leaving me thinking… he or is he not interested being with me? By stroke of fate, circumstance allowed us to talk again and with my interest to hear something from him again, he enters the scene with the same boastful attitude but surrendering to the thought he wasn’t able to meet another woman like me. Comparing me to a girl he barely knew, he follows the impression that again, I am a star difficult to reach. A star he can reach he knows but he chose to just stare. I could have given him the opportunity how to explore the heavens at my perspective but he chooses to stare. I guess unless he realizes how easy it is to take my hand, he won’t know. The day progresses with his senseless wildering thought of getting my attention with favors I’ve already clarified and explained thousands of times everytime we meet and disgusting jokes no one will find amusing. The status remain at that.